August 01, 2013

half way there...

just hit my 20 week mark . . . it's gone by so fast but yet so slow!
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growing a little human being inside of your body is THE most surreal & magical thing
every month that we were trying to conceive
i told my self
when i do become pregnant
i will appreciate & be grateful for all the pregnancy symptoms that are to come . . .
i was very lucky to not have any morning sickness at all . . . even when i was carrying both
the tiredness, the ligament stretching, the back pain, being fatigued, sacrificing your comfy position when sleeping, skin breakouts, loss of hair, bloated body from head to toe, & a million things more.

i feel like i have done a really great job so far punching those symptoms in the face
but . . .
this is my very first time being pregnant & feeling all these changes.
i'm very anal & particular about everything i'm experiencing
especially losing my baby B
i just want so badly for my baby to be healthy & stay in mummies tummy
my husband is so patient with me . . .
i tell him absolutely every little detail that i'm feeling ever single day
he loves it haha

josh actually has surprised me a couple of times with bringing home a doppler from the hospital
every 4 weeks waiting anxiously for your next apt
by golly . . . it's just too darn long
especially with my history & always hearing bad news
i couldn't sleep or enjoy this pregnancy to the fullest
i just want to know if this baby is still in there alive
i love dopplers!!!
i love that my husband was able to bring one home for me!!!
josh would turn it on & put it on my belly
he could never find the heart beat . . . or at least took him awhile
i would take it from him & find the heartbeat right away
haha i take pride in that as a mumma-to-be
i kind knew where the baby was chillen

women are incredible & i try every single day to not complain & stay strong because this little life is such a miracle!
but man . . .
i don't blame pregnant women for complaining
your body is being taken over
& it takes time to adjust
& know that the woman's body was made for this

my last post was on my 4 year anniversary with my josh
that day became even more special
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that night we were sitting on the couch
i had been talking about when i was going to feel this little peanut move inside me
i have been so so so anxious to feel it
to know that it's alive
to know that it loves us & wants to stay
just to know that i'm still going to meet this little human one day. . .

i thought i had been feeling something but was not sure
felt like gas bubbles to be honest
& it was always on my left side
so i never thought that that was it

i felt it!!!
on our anniversary just sitting on the couch . . .

I FELT IT! i knew this was different because it was right underneath my belly button
i jumped
i immediately got this high feeling like i was floating
it was soft little nudge & only lasted a second
gosh . . . i just wanted to rewind & push play a million times
it was the most miraculous, shocking, warm, amazing, tender, & joyous feeling EVER!

now i can feel this baby move like once or twice a day
especially when i'm just waking up in the morning
or i have been moving up & down a lot
it's soooo cooool

everyone keeps telling me just wait till josh feels it, just wait for it start doing summersaults, just wait for the hiccups, just wait till it starts kicking you in the rib & bladder, just wait till you can see them shifting as your looking down at your belly.
I CAN'T WAIT! thank you all! such a beautiful & crazy thing to experience!
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i also wanted to take the time to say thank you!
from the bottom of my heart!
to all that have responded to my story
makes me wish i would have shared my infertility struggles sooner
to have a community of women reaching out to one another for support & comfort

i truly felt alone at the time
my mum & mum-in-law never struggled with infertility, they would breath & get pregnant
my mum was adopted & we don't know anything about our relatives on her side
i did not have family to turn to about this
no one had experienced it
neither had any of my friends . . . none
unless some one did & just didn't want to open up about it
which i don't blame them
it's really hard to be open about it & talk out loud

so for me to write about my story with infertility out loud & for anyone to see
was really hard for me to do
i paced back & forth on publishing it or not
i wrote it mostly because i wanted people to know that i didn't just get pregnant easily
it took a lot of time & heart break
& these babies were fought for with such love & longing
i also did it so that other women who are going through this or something similar
can reach out
& to not be afraid of the reaction you'll get
to have someone to talk to & to relate to.

i had many many wonderful kind people who helped me through this struggle
i don't want them to be forgotten
they got me through a lot & i'm so thankful for them
but they could only say so much

a woman who has gone through infertility, they know exactly what your going through
plain & simple
theres a darkness but yet lightness that we can relate on

anywho . . .
i just really wanted to let you all know how overwhelmed i am with all the warm & kind responses to my story. you truly are some beautiful individuals!!!
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i bet you all are wondering what the heck this baby is...right???!!!
boy or girl...hmmmmmmm
she's 20 weeks....she should know by now!
well . . . we will be announcing it tomorrow or . . . or this upcoming monday
so stay tuned!