June 24, 2013

my life as of lately...

it's been quite some time since i have posted anything.
life throws you curve balls like no other
some good some bad...

it's been a little crazy in my world.
but i'm ready to get back to the flow of things.

i want to let my followers know that this blog is no longer my photography blog.
pocket meets monday will now be my personal glimpse into my every day life that will be full of projects, dreams, thoughts, personal experiences, food, film photographs, etc. it will be more of an online life journal for me.

i'm definitely not a writer, nor did i ever get a good grade in english during high school, so bare with me & my awful grammar. which by the way my husband usually corrects my posts before i click publish. i type like i'm talking lets just say.

i would like to open up about something dear to my heart & soul
to benefit myself for many reasons & let my voice be heard
but to also to reach out to others who have felt this type of pain

warning! i'm pretty much writing a novel here.

where it all began...

i met my husband in my seminary class. i had no idea who he was cause he didn't go to my high school. i was attracted to him right away and new i had to run. at this time in my life i was young and had gotten out of a long time relationship. i barely knew who i was & what i wanted in my future. i planned on dating many many men & find what i wanted to do in my life after high school. i knew if i were to pursue him at this time in my life, that that would be it. that i would be with him for the long haul. the day he asked me out on a date, i was beaming. then it got serious, we were smitten with each other & spent every waking moment together. when i met & really got to know josh, what stood out most was his huge warm heart. i was hooked....hooked very hard!

fast forward 3 1/2 years...this wonderful man got on one knee & said those romantic words, "you mean more to me than anything, & i want to spend the rest of my life with you". of course i gasped joooosh(that was my yes)! lets be honest... marriage is so so beautiful but can be rough at times, you never know what's in store for the both of you. it's definitely the BEST decision we have ever made! as every year of marriage passes, it's crazy how much you learn about your mate & what works & what doesn't. josh has become my other half, he makes me stronger, smarter, sweeter & a millions other things. for the 4 years that we have been married...we have been hit at least every 6 month mark with some kind of struggle, challenge, bomb, bad news. by golly i feel like we have gone through so much,  were more like a couple whose been married for 40 years & not 4. when we were engaged we talked about having a family. when josh & i met, he wanted kids right off the bat....literally...like while we were dating haha...don't think so bub. we both grew up in big families & both our parents started having kids right off the bat. not saying that that's not the way to do it but i wanted good quality time with my new husband before we start popping out kidlets. i told josh give me 2 years of blissful gooey love & then we can start talking heavily about having a baby.

a little under 2 years into marriage & something seriously changed in me. i knew growing up that i always wanted to be a mumma but wasn't planning on when it was going to happen. all the sudden this warm, strong, maternal instinct struck my sole, something i've never felt. i would look at josh & immediately wanted to give him a baby, like right there...bam! forget all your plans & put everything on the line & just go for it. family has meant so much to the both of us...in the end family is all that truly matters. we were ready...so we got started.

i had been on birth control for about 3 years prior, so we knew that we wouldn't get pregnant right off the bat cause my body needed a break from the pill...but we were hopeful. honestly i was thinking ehh this'll be easy, both our mothers would breath & get pregnant, so I should too. now it's a funny thing when you want something...seems like everything & everywhere i looked, babies were everywhere. friends, family, & people of the world getting pregnant, sharing their bundles, showing their growth, & all kinds of others wonderful things. i genuinely was so happy for everyone & couldn't wait for when our time would come.

6 months passed...i started to question my body a bit. sorry but it might get a little "tmi" but i feel like things should be shared so that others have something to confide in. i wasn't regular like i was on the pill or even before the pill. even though i kept a calendar of what my body was doing (every single detail) & when i should be ovulating. things weren't the same, my gut told me something was off but i thought i need to give it more time & have faith that my body knows what it's doing. every month that passed, felt like a bigger & bigger space of emptiness grew in our hearts. it started to hurt.

1 year into trying, a new emotion of hurt arose inside of me...i felt like as a woman...i was broken. the one thing that women were blessed & born to do was to procreate. to grow a living human being inside of their body. to carry a COMPLETE miracle! everyone i knew never struggled with infertility, seemed like it was so easy for them. infertility was a whole new world to me. i have to let you know that this is REALLY hard to talk about & put into words. it's difficult to express the strong emotions that we have felt through words. i have had good positive days but then i've had dark painful days. sure, people tell you to relax & not think about it & your time will come. after hearing that a million times...i wanted to punch who ever spoke those words to me again right in the freaking face. when most people struggle they don't like to be up front & just say what their going through. it's hard to come out about certain trials, especially when people ask..."so when are you guys gonna have some kids". shot to the heart every time we heard that.  i always new i wanted to be a young mumma & at least start popping them out at the age of 23. but life likes to throw in some bumps & mountains, nothing ever goes as planned. awesome...

a little after a year my body still wasn't going back to normal. sure, i could just wait longer and see what my body would do by itself but my gut, my head, my heart, my maternal intuition was telling me that something was wrong & my body could take years for things to start running correctly. to be frank...i didn't want to wait. we were ready & once you feel that it's time....that feeling NEVER goes away. in my head i couldn't understand why? why? why us? we were so happy & in a great spot in our lives. it started to get really hard watching people get pregnant right away, especially when their not even trying, or accidentally get preggo, or people who are in a bad place in their life. why? but i'm learning to not judge or compare myself to people who get pregnant right away. conceiving is literally such a miracle, for the reproductive system & the mans sperms to perfectly aline to create a baby is such a tedious & amazing process. when a baby is conceived in no matter the situation, that baby is meant to be here! who am i to judge who gets pregnant & who doesn't. i wouldn't wish infertility on anyone!

it was time to seek out help. we found the sweetest fertility doctor who was determined to find out what was going on & help our chances for a little miracle. felt good to see some light a the end of the tunnel & somebody to confide in with emotions & so many questions. she found out that i was not ovulating at all & that's why i was never regular. she also checked to see how fertile my ovaries were, meaning counting all the follicles i had in each ovary. on average, women have about 10 follicles in each ovary. i had 28 in my left & 23 in my right, so that was good news cause i was definately fertile. she also found out that i had PCOS, polycystic ovary syndrome. these were the main reasons I wasn't getting any results. it was difficult to hear but i was glad to get help to get my body back on track. she put me on a couple of different doses of clomid. clomid is a fertility drug that helps women ovulate. i was on this for quite some time. it didn't work the first couple of doses but then she raised it to a higher dose (150mg) & it worked. once we new it was working, we were ecstatic & very determined to find exactly when i was ovulating & made sure we were intimate pretty much every day for months. but months passed & we weren't getting pregnant.

let me just tell you what its like being on clomid ladies...
it's like being on your period times 20. you are an emotional, impatient, rude, depressed & not in control. but this is just how i was, it may be different for other women. then there were days where it would let up a bit & i was perfectly fine. being on this medication was really hard, i was a hormonal monster. over time i eventually got used to it a bit. but i was wanting a baby SO bad that i didn't care what it was doing to me. bless my sweet husband, he is such a strong & positive man with me, i couldn't be more lucky!

so as time went on...a little after a year we got pregnant!!! yay! right!
last october of 2012 we conceived but after about 5 weeks we miscarried(yes, very early but still). it was quite shocking cause i never imagined myself having to go through a miscarriage, not in a million years. you really don't think about those things growing up with all your hopes & dreams. it was really hard at the times but i swear my husband was made just for me. he made me realize that it's okay. that it was a bittersweet moment. we lost a baby but we found out that we could get pregnant. so time went on & we began to heal.

months had past & clomid started to not work. i was devastated. i was so sick of hearing bad news & that my body wasn't working. my body seemed to be getting used to it. there were times where i wanted to scream at the man upstairs & never get out of bed. infertility is such a lonely road & there have been so many times i have wanted to reach out to other women going through this or even ask the world how to deal with something like this. i was scared how people would think that i was ridiculous for messing with gods hands or playing with nature. i also didn't want sympathy from others...maybe just a hug or a "i'm sorry". i was done with people saying "don't worry, your time will come" ewwwww! i was so tired of being on medications & working so hard to figure out what was missing. what were we doing wrong? were we just not worthy to have a baby at this time? would i be a bad mother?

my sweet doc put me back on clomid plus a steroid this last february of 2013. did you read that right...clomid & a steroid. holy cow... here we go... i just prayed & tried my best to be positive & strong. we went in for a vaginal ultrasound(which i'm a pro at now haha) to find out if it was working. we looked at our doc & she had the widest eyes. my heart started to beat very fast. i was just hoping for good news. she told us that we had 5 huge follicles ready to descend into the fallopian tubes. 5!!!! she was quite concerned. she asked immediately "when was the last time you guys were intimate?" we were shocked & said timidly "yesterday"... she told to take it easy & maybe try again in about a day. she was concerned that all 5 follicles might descend and fertilize but since we had this happen months before with no results, she was willing to push the envelope a little bit. oh my! my stomach went straight to my butt. then in a ways we were so excited to try & maybe conceive one of them. we just wanted one but if we were meant to have 5...then bring it on!!!

a month passed & it didn't work. we didn't conceive. our hearts were worn out. we did not understand why out of 5 mature follicles...that 1...just 1 didn't implant. it had been almost 2 years that we have been trying. i was so worn out & beat up. honestly...i just wanted to stop. stop trying. stop the medication. stop the desire of wanting to be a mumma. it hurts so badly.

my doc told us that we could try AI-artificial insemination the next month. i was hesitant, i really was ready to take a break from the fertility world. josh was up for anything & he saw hope. i looked at him & again...saw how much he wanted to be a father. it brought me to tears. (even as i'm writing this i'm balling) i took a deep breath & said lets do it! lets try this one more time & see what happens. i told him if it doesn't work, i wanted to stop everything. go back to enjoying life & our time together. he said, "i will do & go with what ever will make you happy". what a man, an amazing gentle man!

so...i went back on clomid plus the steroid. we went in to see if it had worked & to no surprise it did! she found 4 huge follicles. this time around we didn't care, we weren't scared to have quads, we were ready...so so ready! AI is a very simple procedure. the man gives a sample of his swimmers. they take the sample & take all the bad ones out & keep all the good ones. they also give the swimmers all kinds of healthy nutrients(which is comforting to hear). they then put a catheter into my cervix & through to the uterus. they then use a syringe to push the swimmers through the catheter & closer to my eggs. pretty much like having sex with a tube haha

after the procedure was done our doc told us that AI  can take 3-6 times for it to actually work. so we were praying our butts off that it would work.

during this month josh was working full time, going to nursing school full time, he had a side job, clinicals, & a capstone. i pretty much never saw him. i wanted to get away & enjoy myself & mostly just think of nothing & relax. i took a 2 week trip down to AZ to stay with my family. it was a lovely trip & best thing i did for myself in awhile.

by the time i got home...i had already been 5 days late on my period. that has never happened. i didn't want to take a test, at least for another week. by the time josh came home from his crazy schedule. he immediately wanted me to take a test. it was early in the morning & i told i really didn't want to for awhile. he eventually swooned me over & got me to take a test. i took it but did not look at it. i told josh that he would have to look at it. after taking test after tests for 2 years...i hated seeing the result. hated it!!!

josh looked at it & looked at me with the shocked face. he said "it says pregnant babe". i didn't believe him at all. but he was very serious. so i looked at it & was in complete & udder shock! it was one of the most WONDERFUL words i have ever read...pregnant. we started to ball our heads off. it was the best morning ever!!! we were on a high & still are to this day. then we got to thinking...okay were pregnant...but how many are in there. oh boy!

we went in at 6 weeks with our fertility doctor for a vaginal ultrasound. she wanted to know the results of how it worked. so she went up in there & found 1 heart beat! we were beyond thrilled! then she kept looking around & found another heartbeat!(the heartbeats were nice & strong) what the!!! no way!!! then she kept looking to make sure that that was it & it was.

we were having TWINS!!!!

OH MY STARS! we could NOT believe it! we only wanted one in the first place but got super blessed to conceive 2! words can not explain how we felt & how we are still feeling to this day. ITS A COMPLETE MIRACLE!

we had an apt set up for our 10 week mark with my obgyn. we were so excited to see these little sweet sweet babies on the ultrasound & see how they've grown. when this is your first pregnancy...you can't wait for that first apt...right?!!!

we went in at 10 weeks. met our awesome doctor. she wanted to start out with the ultrasound before we got into all the questions & details. the image of the 2 babies popped up on the screen. she went straight to baby A & right when she did. baby A jumped for joy...it was absolutely amazing to see. to know that i was really pregnant. baby A measured great & has a healthy strong heart beat. then she went over to baby B...it wasn't moving like baby A was. our doctor got quiet....& told us that baby B does not have a heartbeat & had stopped growing. baby B had passed away at 9 weeks & 2 days.

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my whole world was crushed. my heart hurt. josh & i felt like we were going to throw up. as i'm typing this...i'm having trouble to find the words. we have gone through so much...why? on screen it looked so lifeless & looked like a tiny little baby. i just wanted to hold it. love it. let it know how much we fought for it & love you SO dearly! when a woman finds out she is pregnant...its an instant bond...INSTANT! i was so devastated. but then....i had to be grateful & so so happy that baby A was still alive & healthy. i just didn't want to lose it too! this was hard to wrap my head around, so many mixed emotions. i was super paranoid for the other baby & wanted more than anything for it to be healthy. i've learned with so many ups & downs in life that the only things that will help is time. i know with time...that we can heal. we are still affected by this loss & always will be but were so happy to be blessed with one still in there.

my doctor told us that were lucky that it was miscarried so early because there is a lower risk of the other baby going into labor & other complications. she also told us that since it's pretty early that the body will slowly absorb the baby into the lining of the placenta. the placenta will always stay there & i probably will have to birth it.  i have learned that it is fairly common in women to conceive twins & not know it. then finding out at there apt that they had twins & one had passed. it's called a vanishing twin. we were very very blessed to have known about baby B & to hear it's little heartbeat. i miss this baby B already so much. but i know that things happen for a reason. this baby was conceived to make baby A stronger all through out its life. it'll be it's little angel friend that will follow & comfort him/her forever.

i love you so much my sweet baby B! i can't wait to meet you one day but please don't forget how much your mumma & daddy wanted you so badly & loved you the moment we heard your little heart beat! watch over baby A for us, make sure he/she is healthy & stays in mummy's tummy!

we are now almost 15 weeks with baby A! he/she is a mover! every ultrasound we have had, it seems to be waving, jumping, kicking, turning, running in place, & mumma is in for a treat when i get to start feeling all those movements. we also saw baby B at our recent apt. he/she is still in there trying to absorb. my doc said that it might be there till birth but we'll see what happens. she is just concerned that it's going to want to come out at some time. but so far so good, just praying for the best!

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i wanted to share my story with the world because i wanted everyone to know how MUCH these babies are loved & fought for! pregnancy is seriously such a beautiful & amazing thing, it's incredible what the woman's body is able to do! the reproductive system...jeeze...it's a masterpiece! it blows my mind on what it takes to have a baby.

we have wanted this for so long that i wanted to make every step really really special. to announce to the world we have made a video. something to always have & look back on even when the baby is all grown up. i cherish every moment of pregnancy & consider myself very lucky.

here is our video & i hope you got something out of this as much as i did:)
i will be documenting my whole pregnancy here on my blog if you ever would like to chime in & see how sweet baby wright is doing.

thanks for reading!

xo, mal + josh + pocket + monday